1) It’s an actual antidepressant
It’s been pretty well established in recent years that coffee is “the poor man’s antidepressant”. Women in particular seem to be affected by the healing powers of the dark fluid – one study showed women who drink two or more cups of coffee a day are less likely to get depressed. Others have even found coffee reduces the rate of suicide.
They didn’t go mad, mind you. Prozac is still the prescription of choice. But still, a pick-me-up is a pick-me-up, and when you allow yourself a proper cup, doesn’t the latte-art heart give you a little lift? Personally, I get a tear in my eye and whisper a wibbly “Thank you!” before toddling off to let them shudder in peace.
2) It’s so indulgent you may as well drink it with your eyes closed as the bath overflows
In London, or indeed anywhere in Britain, you can expect to pay in the region of £2 – £2.50 for a cup of coffee. Somewhere nice and central like Caffe Vergnano or Bar Soho and it may even creep up to £3. It’s not cheap. In fact, if you’re on Job Seeker’s Allowance and you have a coffee a day, you’re on your way to spending 50 per cent of your entire income on the black stuff. Smart people don’t even do that on rent. That’s lid-shutting, letting-out-involuntary-moans indulgence. Mmmmm. Expensive bean juice.
3) You can use it to emulate The Employed
The Employed love their coffee. They need the energy boost and the excuse of a caffeine fix to break up their horrible, horrible day. You may not be among The Employed, but just for the moment you order a double-shot-semi-skimmed-cappuccino-shot-of-hazlenut-no-cocoa-on-top, you feel like something of a badass. That’s right, barista, make it. I have a meeting. With PEOPLE. And don’t you even think of skimping on the semi skimmed foam, I want it duvet-like or I’m calling my lawyers. Yes, lawyers, plural.
4) It combats jobseeker’s fatigue
You may be doing it in your pyjamas, on your bed, with reruns of Friends blaring in the background, but looking for a job is tiring. Not least because you can spend hours on an application and not see a response, let alone results. After a month or two of this abject hell, you may find you can lie facedown humming The Great Escape for two hours and think little of it.
This is jobseeker’s fatigue. It’s when you’re so tired of being ignored by the people you were trained to impress you become a fragile balance of sad and mad, you’re sapped of energy moments after waking up, and you start to think of the kitchen floor as a resting place.
Drink coffee, and drink it now. Tame the lion of your impending insanity. And clean the kitchen floor so it’s ready for your next facedown humming sesh.
5) You don’t have to apply for it to get it
Let’s just flip things round to demonstrate how magically easy it is to have this fabulous drink in your life:
“Hi, I’d like to apply for the position of Coffee Drinker at This Cafe. Please find attached my CV detailing my experience, and below are links to previous times I have drunk coffee. I think I could be a real asset to This Cafe, and I hope you will look at my CV and consider me for the position.”
“Hi, could I get a job, with a day off on my birthday, and no weekends or evenings, please? Thanks. Keep the change.”