How to STAY jobless – That Mitchell and Webb Look

On your jobhunt, you are likely to meet the odd negative nelly. The occasional tool. And a few utter bastards.

If you want to STAY jobless, invite them into your brain. Let them set up camp and do a shit in your self-esteem pool, until you’re so paralysed with self-doubt you don’t trawl through job sites, so much as scream at them to stop mocking you.

Observe:

The most hilarious cover letter of 2013

It’s not nice to mock fellow jobseekers.

But some of them do make it difficult not to.

This chap admits he is “not a good English user” – but he’s trying, dammit. However, the claims that he can fight and lift a wild bear AND run faster than a train are not only obvious lies, but have no place on an application for a job in a shop.

I hope he got the job…

Application letter

How to STAY jobless – Winston, New Girl

A great way to stay jobless is to damn yourself with faint praise.

DO NOT keep up to date with the latest technological innovations

Boast about the ones you do know about though, and if you can work in your love of movies and converting oxygen into carbon dioxide, you’re onto a winner. Joblessness will be yours to keep. FOREVER.

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[VIDEO] How to STAY jobless: Hannah, Girls

Build a rapport with the interviewer. Make funny jokes about bars you’ve been to, the pretentious terms bandied about in this silly old age…

It’s all building to that all-important moment: make a date rape joke.

ALWAYS make a date rape joke.

[VIDEO] How to STAY jobless: Rachel, Friends

a) Kiss the interviewer when he totally, totally was’t about to kiss you. At ALL.

b) Scream at him for demanding sex from you, when he totally, totally wasn’t. At ALL.

c) Sort out the misunderstanding and try to hug him.

[VIDEO] How to STAY jobless: Chandler, Friends

Chandler is particularly skilled at staying jobless. Observe the mastery:

a) Remember, when the interview is over, you can say whatever you want, even if the interviewer is still RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU and your comment reveals you to be something of a juvenile knucklehead.

b) Definitely say “doodies”. Multiple times.

c) For goodness, sake, say “poo” as well. Don’t just leave it at “doodies”, what are you, an amateur? You don’t want to land the job now, do you?

[VIDEO] How to STAY jobless: Spud, Trainspotting

a) Turn up on speed.

b) Say your weakness is you’re “a perfectionist”. That basically means you don’t finish anything. Definitely  say “when things get dodgy I cannot be bothered.”

c) Announce the interview is going well and kiss the interviewer.